Archive Files #1, My Thoughts As I Had Them During the Oscars Years 1-5

In case you haven't been super observant (and it is totally okay if you haven't, I don't really expect that people know the layout of my blog so well that they notice every super minor change), I wanted to direct your attention to my archives.  As any of my long time readers are aware, Fat-Train was not my blog's original home.  However, it is the home of my blog now (and for the rest of eternity, *cue evil laughter*) (okay, not really sure where the evil laughter came from, it just felt appropriate).

Over the last few weeks, I have imported all of the television and film posts from that blog and placed them in the Fat-Train archives.

Now, it would be a ton of work for any new reader (or forgetful long time reader for that matter) to go back and read everything that I have ever written, and honestly, a lot of it is not particularly useful to our modern sensibilities (for instance, do we really need to read about the quick and steady decline of Heroes?  Let's leave the harmful past in the past, shall we?).

Therefore, my plan throughout this year is to pick some posts from the archive that might have something interesting to say today or that I have something new to say about now, giving me a new post and you a chance to catch up on the important archives.

For this first Archive Files, in honor of the just completed Oscars, I thought that I would look at some of the best lines from the first five My Thoughts As I Had Them During the Oscars Posts.

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If you want to go back and read the post in toto (not sure if that is a real phrase meaning in totality or not, but it could be Latin or something, and therefore classy, so I'm leaving it) then you can click on the linked acronym above.

One of my favorite things about this first Oscar review post was that I titled it annual even though it was the first one and conceivably could have been the only one.  Now that there have been six of them, I suppose that it is finally okay to call them annual.

So, onto some highlights from the post...

Welcome to the day after the Oscars. Hope you all slept it off okay. As you might be aware, I was unable to watch the big show live due to work, and therefore taped it and began watching it at about 12:30 a.m., so you'll excuse me if I'm a little tired, the Oscars after all are loooong. Anyway, while watching during the early hours last night, I jotted down some of the thoughts I was having in order to give you, my reading audience an idea of some of the thoughts that go through a future Oscar winners head as they watch the Oscars. Here ya go...


-I'm glad I taped the Oscars. It gives me the opportunity to fast forward through commercials. Take that

MasterCard!

-Jon Stewart is handling this very well, doing a good job. I always like the Oscars because they often teach us something we didn't know before, for instance, I didn't know that Jon Stewart was in Death to Smoochey. Learn something new everyday. Course I shouldn't be surprised that he is informative. This is the hard-hitting, informative journalism that Jon Stewart is known for, after all.

-Hey, sweet. I get to fast forward through the song nominees too.

...

-Okay, someone producing the Oscars has a sick sense of humor. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves presenting an Oscar. Two of my least favorite actors in Hollywood together on screen to give an art direction award. How does this make sense? Don't say "They were in Speed together" That movie was made like 11 years ago, and neither's careers have really blossomed since then. They should have let these two give out the special effects Oscar. Keanu needs special effects to show emotion, and Sandra needs special effects to differentiate herself from Julia Roberts.

...

-Why was Network in the montage for socially important films? It was a self satire against the media, which probably doesn't belong in a montage talking about how the media (in this case feature films) help to change what's wrong with society. Seems a little out of place there to me.

...

-Hello! King Kong sucked people. Maybe they're still giving out Oscars for Lord of the Rings.

-Okay, I'm going to go ahead and watch the best song performance for the Pimp song. I want to see if they have to beep any of it out.

-Lots of thoughts going through my head as I'm listening to this embarrassingly bad song, but I'll keep them to myself. It's not like its going to win the Oscar.

-Oh My God, it just won the Oscar. Did not see that coming. Clearly it isn't that hard bein' a pimp.

-Hey, Jon. I said it first. Joke stealer.


(See, when I talked about the tradition of my jokes being stolen continuing, I was talking about a tradition going all the way back to the very first My Thoughts As I Had Them During the Oscars Post)


-You've got to be kidding me, another award for Kong? Did any of you see that movie? It sucked. Maybe they just saw the trailers and are basing these awards on that. I really think it's Oscar chances should have suffered since ... it .... SUCKED!!!


(Amy's problems with Wolfman's one award are put in a little perspective here for me.  Sure it sucks when a crappy movie wins an award, but King Kong won multiple Oscars. Multiple Oscars.  That it didn't deserve!  Okay, clearly I'm still a little bitter.)


-Wow, for a second there, I thought Phillip Seymore Hoffman was going to say, "I'm honored to be nominated with these strong actors. And Heath Ledger."

(When I wrote it, I was very proud of this joke.  It cracked me up when I wrote it.  Then Heath Ledger started to really impress me, and then, of course, he died, which made me feel a little guilty for this joke, and led to an apology in a later Oscar post.  Overall, I still think it is a funny joke, but there is still some guilty feelings lingering due to his death.)

-I was hoping he (Ang Lee, director of Brokeback Mountain and winner of Best Director for that film) would say something in his acceptance speech like "This award is for everyone who said Incredible Hulk was gay. You want a gay movie, I'll give you a gay movie."

(I still think a quote like that would have been hilarious and awesome.)


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Though I had titled these posts as Annual, they very nearly ended after only one.  The way that I write these posts, I just take notes of my thoughts throughout the entirety of the Oscars, then transcribe the notes from the handwritten notebook into the blog.  I did that during the Oscars in year three, but due to inconsistent access to the Interwebs, it didn't get posted for over two weeks after the Oscars aired!
-Sorry for the lateness of this blog, one might almost say it is pointless now, but I'm putting it up for posterity.  Otherwise, next year, I won't be able to call it the Third Annual My Thoughts as I Had Them During The Oscars.

...

-BOO!! BOO!! Daniel Craig.  Where did all the Daniel Craig haters go.  Before the movie they were everywhere, now you never hear from them.  I'm the lone voice.  Daniel Craig is not Bond.  I wonder if he's going to pause before he announces the winner.  He doesn't when he says Bond James Bond.

...

-The good thing about watching the Oscar's on "tape delay" last year is that I didn't have to watch the damn commercials.  Remember when commercials for this thing were good?  Remember when commercials for the Super Bowl were good?

...

-Okay...  This is weird, I'm not gonna lie.  A special effects choir?  I don't get it.  When everyone complains that the Oscars are too long, do we really need time wasters such as special effects choirs?

(This has been a problem throughout the Oscars forever, they complain about how long they are and then they add weird stuff like this.  This year's Oscars was actually really good about this.  I'm sure it will be terrible again next year.)

-Wow, they found two seconds of Mark Walberg dialogue without curse words in it.  Impressive.

(That still surprises me.  His performance in The Departed was fantastic, but it also had more curse words per capita than anything else ever in the history of everything.  The fact that the Oscars was able to show a scene from his performance without having to Mellisa Leo anything was very impressive.)

-More weird stuff going on, interpretive dancers becoming a penguin?  What is the world coming to?


...


-Ohh.  The Wes Anderson AmEx commercial.  I apologize for everything bad I said about having to watch the commercials.  The brilliance of this one makes up for all the other crappy ones.

(I still love this commercial.)

-I'm currently envisioning a blue see-through Jedi-like Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick up on stage with Copella, Spielberg, Lucas, and Scorsese.  The greatest Directors of all time in one place.

(When Martin Scorsese finally won his first Oscar for The Departed, the Academy totally did it right by having Spielberg, Lucas, and Copella present the award.  Still one of the greatest Oscar moments of all time in my opinion.)



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I got back on track the next year with the third annual...

-Welcome back Jon Stewart, host of the First Annual "My Thoughts As I Had Them During The Oscars" Post.  Here's hoping he doesn't steal as many of my jokes this time around.


(I honestly don't know why Jon hasn't continued to host the Oscars.  He did a fantastic job with both of his performances hosting, and yet the Oscars kept going to to different hosts that aren't nearly as successful.)




-The first mention of the writers strike of the evening.  I wonder how many there will be?  I would advise against using this in any drinking game capacity as it is likely to lead to alcohol poisoning.

(The writers' strike was a big deal this year, in fact there was a worry that the Oscars might not even happen, the Golden Globes got canceled; luckily, the writers and the studios were able to come to an agreement before the Oscars, and they happened without a hitch.)

-Great joke about the themes in the movies nominated for Best Picture, "Thank God for teen pregnancy to lighten the mood."  Nice.


(Not only was Juno up for Best Picture, but if you recall, Knocked Up came out this year as well.)


-Jon mentioned Javier Bardem, he'll win.  He mentioned Daniel Day-Lewis, he'll win.  He mentioned Cate Blanchett, she'll win.  Oh, sorry Jon, if you had read my prediction post you would have known not to put your money on Julie Christie.  She's not going to win.

-Making fun of Norbit is fun as well as important (since it got a nomination and the amazing Zodiac did not).  Jon says, "too often the Academy ignores movies that aren't good."  Hilarious.


...


-George Clooney's opening line: "Hi, you guys."  You heard it here first, Clooney's new movie, Goonies 2.


...


-Time for a prayer.  Dear God, please let the filmmakers of the world understand that we don't want any more movies about penguins.  Amen.

-I still don't see how The Simpsons Movie wasn't nominated for best animated film (and it is tragic that Spiderpig didn't receive a best song nomination.  Utterly tragic.)


...


-"The Oscar goes to... Catherine."  A little clip of Sean Connery giving the award to Catherine Zeta Jones a few years back for Traffic.  I love how he paused there.  I know he's retired and all, but I wonder if he could give Daniel Craig a few lessons on pausing so that Daniel doesn't say bondjamesbond like it is one word next time.

(I realize that I am alone on this not liking Craig as Bond thing, but that is why I have to be so adamant about it.  It's hard work being the lone voice of reason in the world.)

-Can you smell what award the Rock is presenting?  Just wondering.


...


-I know that Jon said that was Miley Cyrus, but has anyone ever noticed she looks a lot like the singer Hannah Montana?  Sure, they're hair colors are different, but a wig could fix that.  I'm suspicious.  And another thing, have you ever noticed that Superman looks a lot like Clark Kent, only without the glasses?  Think about it.  It's an uncanny resemblance.

(I will never get tired of doing this joke.  It also works with the similar voices of Bruce Wayne and Batman and Peter Parker and Spiderman)

-Man, the Academy must hate Michael Bay as they dis Transformers again.  Instead, they give it to Bourne, directed by Paul Greengrass, the only director who shakes the camera as much as Michael Bay does.

-I got motion sickness just watching that clip from Bourne.

-I was starting to get better when they showed a clip from Transformers.  Where's my Dramamine?

...

-The Coen Brothers supplied a picture of "Roderick Jaynes"?  That's showing dedication to your pseudonym right there.

-Another surprise.  How can you even tell if the shots match in the editing of Bourne?  And how much Dramamine did the editor go through to edit this picture?  Did I mention that the camera shakes a lot in this movie?

...

-Side note during a commercial here, but am I the only one freaked out by the "When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?" line?  No!  And I'm thankful every day that it doesn't.  I have enough issues as it it, thank you very much.


...


-Luckily, I got this one right, since it's apparently the only category my readers read.  Original song goes to Falling Slowly.  They'll all think I was perfect since it's the only prediction they payed attention to.

-Case in point, my friend Anne just texted me excited about my being right.  What can I say, I'm a genius.


(This is one of the things I remember most clearly about this Oscars.  When I did my preview and prediction post, nearly all of the comments were saying that they really hoped that I was right about the Best Original Song.  I really think that it was the only prediction that meant anything to any of my readers.  Good thing I got that one right.)


-Wow, another surprise.  There have actually been a lot of them tonight.  I wonder if Deakins hurt himself by being nominated for two different films, splitting the vote.  I'm actually really saddened by the fact that he lost.  He's by far my favorite cinematographer in the business, and I was really looking forward to him winning.


(And I can't believe that he didn't win this year either.)


-I'm dedicating the Third Annual "My Thoughts As I Had Them During The Oscars" Post to Heath Ledger.  Sorry about making fun of you in the First Annual "My Thoughts As I Had Them During The Oscars" Post.  We're going to miss you greatly.  I'm especially sad that we'll never get to see you as a director.  Terry Gilliam said you would be a better director then he could ever be, and that's about as high a praise one could hope for and it makes me sure that it is a great tragedy we'll never get to see your work.  To Heath Ledger.

...

-Now she will forever be Diablo Cody, Oscar winner and former stripper.  Because you know they'll never stop referring to her as a former stripper.



(Actually, no one ever refers to her as a former stripper anymore.  At the time, it was like it was part of her name, but apparently her winning an Oscar finally got the world to forget the whole former stripper thing.)

-That's my new favorite speech of the night.  I'm a huge Diablo Cody fan.  From blogger to Oscar winning Screenwriter.  I can dig it.


(Still my dream.)


-Did Helen Mirren even read the envelope or did she just announce Daniel Day-Lewis.  It's like when you have to ask a super easy question in Trivial Pursuit, and you don't even look at the back of the card to check the answer, because you know the other team got it right.  And it was probably for a wedge.  Anyway, no, I don't think Helen Mirren even read the envelope.

-Daniel Day-Lewis says this is the closest he'll come to being knighted.  It's funny cause she was Queen Elizabeth last year in The Queen.  Get it?

-The Coen Brothers.  Oscar Winning Directors and the minds behind The Big Lebowski.  It's right that those things should go together.  In fact, one might say those phrases really tie the room together, Dude.

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This was the year the strange experimenting with Oscar Hosts began.  This was the year that Wolverine hosted...


-Wow, the opening musical bit about Slumdog Millionaire is actually better then the movie.  Hugh Jackman should have made Slumdog Millionaire!


(I was not a fan of Slumdog Millionaire.  There will be a rant later that will give a few of my reasons why.)

-Anne Hathaway should host the Oscars, she's funny.  I wonder if this musical bit about Frost/Nixon is more or less historically accurate then the movie Frost/Nixon?  Either way, it would have been interesting if this was the route they took in the movie.  And Hathaway actually does a fairly good Nixon improvisation.  Nice.


(NostraJosh.)


-Non-Best picture nominees mentioned in the opening song, The Wrestler, The Dark Knight, and Iron Man.  Go comic book movies!  And did I mention the host is Wolverine?  I did?  Okay.  Did he?  He did?  Okay.  Good.

...

-Wow.  Sister Act reference by Whoopi.  Or was it a Sister Act 2 reference?  Not sure.  But also a Jesus reference.  Go Jesus.
-Taraji was amazing in Benjamin Button.  I think she was really the heart of the whole film.

-Yeah, we're tight like that.  I can call her Taraji.

-Okay.  I've never met Taraji.  I just like to say Taraji.

...

-This whole 5 past winners introducing the 5 nominees is taking forever.  I hope they don't do this with every category.

(The next year, they had five random people introducing the 5 nominees.  This year, they finally went back to the winner from the opposite sex the year before presenting the award.  I honestly don't know why they ever went away from it.)

-Penelope Cruz wants to share the Oscar with the other four nominees.  People always say that, but I don't believe it.  What, Penelope, you're telling me that you want to have it cut into 5 equal pieces so that everyone can have a piece?  "Here Marisa, Taraji (hah, fit her name in again), Amy, and Viola, I told you I wanted to share this with you!"  How would you feel if the part Penelope gives you is Oscar's ass?

...

-Just wanted to say that Daniel Craig is not MY James Bond.

 (Lone voice of reason, people.  Lone voice of reason.)


-OMG!! Edward Cullen!!! OMG!!!!!!!! Hmph.  I mean, (*clears throat*) Who is Robert Pattinson?

(Twilight jokes are funny.)

-Why the Star Trek music as Jessica Biel walks out?

-Oh, she hosted the Sci-Tech Awards.  Makes sense I guess.

-Not her hosting it.  The music.


...


-Holy Crap!  Another Sister Act reference.  Whoever had the over on Sister Act references in their Oscar Poll is going to bank tonight.

...

-It isn't that I think Wolverine (I mean Hugh Jackman) is doing a bad job, but this is really the worst Oscars I can remember.  I'm making myself laugh occasionally, but the show isn't really entertaining me the way I've come to expect.  Where are you Jon Stewart!?!?

...

-Not at all surprising, and very, very deserving.  You earned this Heath, dead or alive.  Think about it, this is one of the greatest screen villains of all time along with Chigurh (Bardem won the Oscar) and Lector (Hopkins won the Oscar).  You should have won many more then just this one, Heath.  And I apologize again for my crack way back in the first annual My Thoughts As I Had Them During The Oscars post.  (Although it was still pretty funny).

...

-This action montage makes me wish a Bond movie had come out this year.

-What?  Quantum of Solace?  That's not a Bond movie.  Wasn't that Bourne 4?

(Lone. Voice. Of. Reason.)

-Seriously?  Sound Mixing to Millionaire?  And TDK falls to 2 for 7?  Horrible.

-A lot of times watching the Oscars I wonder if the people who voted actually watched the movies they're voting for or if they just listen to the hype.

...

-Hey, Eddie Murphy.  He used to make good movies too.  No really, kids.  He did.

-It's a good thing that the overall show of the Oscars doesn't have a long shelf life, just moments of the show.  Because I've got to believe that in 3 years no one will know who Zac Efron is.  (And I have to be completely honest here, I'm not entirely sure now who he is.)

...

-So, we're supposed to have hope and optimism that fate will just take care of everything for us?  Because if you stop and think about it that is the message that Slumdog Millionaire is sending us.  Personally I feel that it is important for us to work towards making our life better and working towards the hope and optimism not just expecting all of the answers to be given to us by some ridiculous, unrealistic, and frankly nonexistent idea of "fate".  Sure, I believe that there is such a thing as fate (I really do), but not like this.  Saying that it does is just a disservice to people who work towards making their own dreams a reality.  Okay, rant over.

(Then there is the fact that the idea that every question in a game show would somehow directly related to his life, which as much as I love suspending disbelief, this is a little much, especially since it is in an otherwise normal reality.  I also hated the forced suspense built off of the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire fake suspense.  It is one of the reasons that I couldn't watch that show.  Finally, it showed a false and very disparaging version of India; there is much more to India than slums and gangs.  Okay, now the rant is over.)

-Is Adrian Brody going to kiss the winner?  He totally should.

-Oh!  If Sean Penn wins, maybe he'll kiss Adrian Brody.  That would be awesome!


(The fact that this didn't happen is the singular greatest missed moment in the history of television.)


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Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin hosted this year.  Had it just been one or the other, I think it would have worked much better, but no one ever asks me...


-Does anyone else think that this presenter, Miley Cyrus?, looks a lot like Hannah Montana? I wonder if anyone has ever seen them both in the same place at the same time.


(See.  Told you.  I love this joke.)


-"I love you more than rainbows"? Really? And you won an Oscar for your ability to write lyrics?

...

-Why lamps for Best Supporting Actress? This set design is weird this year.

-Seriously, how much money do you think you would have made if one year ago you had said to someone, "I bet you that at next year's Oscars, Mo'Nique wins an Oscar." Seriously, you would have banked.

-At least Mo'Nique's speech injected some life into this show. Very boring so far.

-Off topic, because this is a commercial, but they really need to rename "Dancing with the Stars". These people can't be considered Stars.


-Make up your mind, Oscars. You can either say that Horror films have gotten no award recognition since the Exorsist(1973), or you can show clips of Silence of the Lambs(Best Picture 1991) in your Horror montage, but you can't have it both ways.

-Time to find some new narrators. That is everyone's homework. Don't get me wrong, I love Morgan Freeman, but there have to be more than one person in the world who can narrate something.

...

-Trying to do homework during commercials, but I have to say, this coke commercial, where someone puts a coke bottle into recycling and it comes right out as a brand new coke is really kind of gross if you think about it.

(And now this commercial airs before movies in the theater all the time, and it still really bothers me.  It certainly doesn't make me want a coke!)

-Sometimes I really don't get the pairings. Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper together for special effects? Really? Why?

...

-So a friend of mine (who happens to be gay) just answered my "Most boring Oscars ever?" text by texting back, "Anytime Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler are on stage at one time is fine with me." So at least that question was answered. It was to secure the gay vote.

...

-Did someone tell Keanu what the teleprompter said, or did he learn to read.

-What? I'm just wondering.

-Again with the lamps. Seriously, what is up with the lamps?

...

-On the plus side, the Dude is now an Oscar winner.

-And his speech is very Dude-like. Is that the first time Groovy was ever used in an Oscar speech? Probably the first time it was used non-sarcastically at least.

-He just said, "Love, man"

-Yes, the Dude Abides.

...

-Never thought Sandra Bullock would win an Oscar. Just never thought it would happen. Congrats. And congrats on winning the Razzie this year for Worst Actress also! Nice bookends.


So, there you have it, some highlights from the past five My Thoughts As I Had Them During the Oscars posts.

If you are a new reader, I hope this helps you feel a little more involved with the history of the blog.  If you are a long time reader, I hope that was a nice walk down memory lane.

Until Next Time, I will see you again soon with another look at the deep, deep archives of Fat-Train*.

*Archives not actually that deep.