Monday, February 28, 2011

6th Annual My Thoughts As I Had Them During the Oscars

Wow.  I can't believe that this is the sixth year that I am writing this post.  This is my way of commenting on the Oscars; it is done in a snarky and facetious way.

*EDIT*  Basically, I give you the thoughts I had in the order they occurred, the way they occurred as I was watching the Oscar telecast.

Usually, you are stuck with only my thoughts on the Oscars, but this year, I am adding in the thoughts of Justin of the outstanding Cavemen Go (which incidentally just celebrated its one year anniversary for which I wrote an anecdote) and of Amy of If It Bleeds... (which is an exciting and ambitious new blog that will chronicle and review the year's album releases, and we still like her even though she wasn't very fond of the amazing new Cake album, Showroom of Compassion).

So, without further ado, here is the 6th annual My Thoughts As I Had Them During the Oscars...

Almost time, but first a new trailer for Source Code.  I was actually intrigued by this trailer, when I saw it in theaters, even before I realized it was the new film from Moon director Duncan Jones.

Morgan Freeman even narrates Adam Baldwin's dreams!  Hey, I just said that.

And, the tradition of stealing my jokes continues.

In the Black Swan portion of the dream, it appears that James Franco is a little insecure about his package.

Hey, I also dream that I'm in Back to the Future!

I was really hoping that the DeLorean  would be behind the screen.

Amy- You'd better not smile, Colin Firth.  You aren't going to win.

Justin- Everyone wants him to win.

Amy- Not me.

That's Academy Award Winner Mr. Stephen Spielberg to you Anne's mom.

Amy- James Franco's grandmother is adorable.

And she had the line of the night.  You can never go wrong with a Marky Mark reference.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn about this movie.

But the Picture that will probably win Best Picture isn't up for Art Direction, Tom Hanks, so you might be blowing this a little out of proportion.

And now that Alice in Wonderland won, you definitely blew it out of proportion.

Justin- Does this mean that Alice in Wonderland is now going to win Best Picture?

First category, first surprise.  I can now pretty safely say that The King's Speech won't win Best Picture.

You can't dedicate the Oscar to your dad!  A few seconds ago in this speech you told someone else that it was theirs!

Amy- Pfister?  That's what she said.

I can't believe that Deakins didn't win Best Cinematographer again.  I'm starting to think that its some kind of conspiracy.  Unbelievable.

If Christopher Nolan was a true master, wouldn't he have been nominated for Best Director?

Amy- Rude.

I'm just saying.

Justin- Oh! Escape From the Academy Awards!

Amy- Um, wrong person.  Kirk Douglas, not Kurt Russell.

Justin- I always get them confused.

Spartacus, not Snake Plissken.  Although, "I am Snake Plissken" has a nice ring to it.

It's a little creepy the way he's hitting on Anne Hathaway.

Amy- How can anyone even tell what he's saying?

Justin- There's a thing in Anne Hathaway's ear where she has someone translating him.

Wow, the mom from The Fighter looks way different in real life.

"Everybody in Australia thinks I'm funny."

One taste of the spotlight again, and Kirk Douglas does not want to give it up.

Second Surprise of the night.

He just told her that she looks way better in person then she did in the movie.  We were all thinking it, Kirk.

Justin- Kurt Russell is the voice of America.

Still Kirk Douglas, Justin.

This is why you write an acceptance speech even if you don't think you have a shot to win.

And she just got bleeped.

But they let her say Dick.

Justin- That was someone's name.

Uh huh.  Likely excuse.

"I am Bansky."  Very low percentage joke, but hilariously awesome.  Nice job, Timberlake.

Now he's making fun of Kirk Douglas!  Clearly an unscripted joke.  Not many of those on Oscar night, and that one was hilarious.  I have to say, I am a fan of Justin Timberlake.

Amy- Justin, it's like you and me.

Justin- 'Cause of the height differential?

Amy- Yeah!

Amy's the tall one.

"I never thought I'd say this, but thank you to the Academy."  And now you'll never win another one.

Sure, he probably meant that he thought he'd never say it because he thought he'd never win, but it totally came out as if he didn't think it was ever worth thanking the Academy.

Justin- Anne Hathaway could replace Vanna White.

No Country For Old Men reunion.  Where is Tommy Lee Jones?

Okay, who is harder to understand: Javier Bardem or Kirk Douglas?

This is for you, Sports Night!

I assumed his speech would be a walk and talk down the corridors of the White House.

And The King's Speech finally wins something.

"My dad always said I'd be a late bloomer."  It's funny because he's old.

Damn it, Castle commercial.  Spoiler alert!

I wonder who Anne Hathaway could be singing about here?  Hugh-ge Jackass?  Retractable claws? Total mystery.

Does Canada really count for Foreign Films?

Justin- The announcer stammered.

A sign for The King's Speech?

Amy- No, it's cause it's Reese Witherspoon.

Someone should Trash Christian Bale's Beard.

Amy- No one is interrupting his speech.

Because they are scared of another tirade.

Instead of a musical cue to tell him to wrap it up, they should send someone in to mess with the lights.

Apparently, the advent of musical scores can only be equated to John Williams.

And Trent Reznor is an Oscar winner.

Amy- "I was writing songs about how stupid the man was; now they gave me an Oscar."

Wow.  They were right.  This is the year of the Lesbians.  Girl on girl kiss in the audience.

Amy- She might be British.

Justin- True.  The British can kiss other girls without being gay.

Justin- Nope.  They just said our wives, as in all of them have wives.

Amy- Some nasty stuff will be said on the Baptist websites tonight.

Why didn't they let the Lesbian say anything?  Homophobes.

I do love me some Howard Shore.  Lord of the Rings was a great score.

I just saw a picture of Charlie from LOST!

And The Wolfman is an Oscar winning film.

Not the worst movie of the year, of course.  That honor still goes to Skyline.

Justin- But the transformation into the wolf was good.

Amy- But still, the whole film should be damned.

Costume Design also goes to Alice in Wonderland.  That's another award that The King's Speech should have had without question.  It is in real trouble.  At this point I feel very confident that The Social Network is going to win Best Picture.

How did she fit so much on that little card?

Chuck was in Tangled?

Amy- And he can sing!

Well, the Intersect can make him do anything.

"What a great year for Docs."  Um, she knows that they give out an award to documentaries every year right?

Amy- Did she say a great year for Ducks?

Holy crap.  The Oscars just made Twilight awesome.  That is amazing.  The power of Autotune.

I might just have to cheat on Felicia Day with Anne Hathaway.

Inside Job wins best documentary.  Told ya.  Still should've been Exit Through the Gift Shop.

Justin- I saw Wall Street 2, so I didn't have to see this movie.

Amy- Don't bring him out!

You don't like Billy Crystal?

Amy- Actually, I love him, I just don't want to see him like that.  All old.

He just looks like he did in the Princess Bride.  Only without the makeup.

Justin-  Is this the Hugh Jackman roast?

Amy- That's what he gets for making a bad movie.

Justin- He made a new bad one?

No.  We're talking about Wolverine.

Justin- We're still bagging on Wolverine?

It was that bad.

Amy- Yeah, it really was.

Justin- When there are no good original songs, you might as well give it to Toy Story.

If we ever go to war with Canada, it will be because of the crime against humanity known as Celine Dion.  (Sorry Shannon)

Irvin Kershner will be missed.  He directed one of the greatest films of all time, The Empire Strikes Back.  I'm wearing an Empire Strikes Back shirt in his honor.

Hillary Swank has won two Oscars, but what we all want to know is how was one of them not for The Next Karate Kid?

Wow!  After The King's Speech gets embarrassed in the technical categories, Tom Hooper wins Best Director?  I suppose it has a shot now, where it didn't appear to before.  That is surprising.

Natalie Portman is an Oscar winner.  Good on you, Padme.

Amy- She is totally preggers.

Justin- Is it Mila Kunis's?

No.  It's Luke and Leia.

Justin- Nice.

Justin Timberlake and Kevin Spacey found that Facebook joke way funnier than Jesse Eisenberg did.

The King's Speech was completely shut out early, then it came back and won the four big ones, Actor, screenplay, director, and picture.  Unbelievable.

Oh, how nice, all the winners are coming back out on stage while these kids sing.

Amy- Somebody should trip the guy that won for Wolfman.

Until Next Time, a surprising finish to the Oscars.  Anne Hathaway and James Franco did a pretty good job.  I can't wait to do it all again next year!  Special thanks to Justin and Amy for joining in the fun.


  1. At first I was really confused with the format of this. Then I thought about the title instead if just reading it and caught on. It was very entertaining. I felt like I was kind of there with you guys! Well done, man.

  2. Thanks, Adam. I forget I have new readers who aren't conditioned to understand how my wacky mind works. I added a line towards the beginning that will hopefully make the post more clear!

  3. Oh man! this was a lot of fun! Thanks for including us this year :).

    The Wolverine convo is the best ever!

  4. For the record, everything Amy and I are quoted for was spoken, not merely thought.

    We can't say the same thing for Josh.

  5. Wacky minds are a wonderful thing. I still feel honored I got to see The Bears beat Dallas with you, Josh. That was a ton of fun. I mean, go TX?

  6. DA BEARS!! That was fun. And no need to artificially praise Texas on my blog.

  7. Good point, but it was more to artificially protect me. Being critical of TX in any way is a good way to get yourself killed here. Or at least moderately berated.

  8. very confusing...couldnt follow

  9. Well, thanks for reading anyway. What I was trying to accomplish was letting the reader see thoughts that I (and Justin and Amy this year) had during the Oscar telecast.

    Those thoughts were then presented here for the reader.

    I hope you will continue to stop by and read other posts that hopefully won't seem so confusing!