Archive Files #5: Less Than Meets the Eye

While many people I know, and sadly many of readers as well, will probably be out this weekend furthering the career of my least favorite director of all time, I will be avoiding the movie theater (at least where Transformers 3 is concerned) so that when Transformers 4 is announced absolutely no blame can be placed on me.

Seeing as though I was a huge fan of the original cartoon, and as a child when the animated movie was released, not only did I see it in theaters, but (SPOILER ALERT) I cried when Optimist Prime died!  Literally cried.  It was all any of us could talk about when school resumed that fall.

I am the primary audience for this type of film, and yet the horrendous job done by Michael Bay previously has made me swear off the franchise until it is in more capable hands.

Seeing as though I have a responsibility, however, to review big films, I feel that I need something posted to mark the occasion of this inevitable trashing of my childhood.

To that, therefore, I offer a new Archive Files, wherein I will repost my most negative review ever (still not as artfully negative as Ebert's review of Battle: Los Angeles, but he's been doing this a lot longer than I have), my review of Transformers 2, the worst movie I have seen in my entire life...

Transformers 2, Less Than Meets the Eye

Growing up, along with Voltron, my favorite cartoon was Transformers.  When the reigns for the inevitable film franchise were handed to Michael Bay, I was worried.  First off, I knew that there would be little chance to have a clue on what was happening in any fight scene due to the camera shaking as if it were being pummeled rather then just trying to document robots pummeling each other.  On that count I was most certainly correct, but overall the first Transformers film was actually enjoyable and it was cool to see the robots I had loved so much as a kid so awesomely recreated on the big screen.

Well, while the first time out he got it mostly right, Michael Bay seemed to prove all the original naysayers right with his second go round.

I really didn't think that I would see a film this year that I disliked more then Terminator, but lo and behold, just a few weeks later, I did.

Transformers 2 is without a doubt one of the worst films ever made.

Look, obviously it isn't supposed to be an Oscar contender, and really it is a film that is probably meant to be enjoyed more by kids then adults.  I understand that.  But it isn't too much to ask a popcorn movie to be, I don't know, enjoyable.  This film is anything but.

Michael Bay makes every fight scene pretty much impossible to comprehend as it is nearly impossible to tell which robots are fighting, much less what they are doing to one another, and really, the giant fighting robots was about all this film really could have hoped to have going for it.

As for everything else, it is really just embarrassing.  There is a somewhat cool idea for a movie hidden amongst all of the extremely juvenile humor, but it is overshadowed and made pretty much moot by the majority of the film.

In just the first thirty minutes we are treated to two dogs having repeated sex in various places and the wonderful comedy cliche of the clueless mother getting stoned unintentionally on pot brownies.  What is funny on an episode of That 70's Show probably doesn't belong in a supposed blockbuster summer action movie.

Throughout the film we are also treated to a giant robot's testicles (seriously) and a tiny robot humping Megan Fox's leg for well over a minute.  I would think that perhaps this film was meant for the 8 year old boy market if not for the fact that it is a hard PG-13.  There are almost as many cuss words in this movie as there are in The Hangover (although Transformers 2 does avoid the F-bomb.  Good for it, I guess?)

Personally, I don't understand how any actress could agree to be in a Michael Bay movie as he is up to his usual misogyny in this film.  Not only are all of the females given short shift, like the poor mother of Shia LaBouf's character, but they are generally treated like objects.  Megan Fox is pretty much only around to look sexy.  (Not that she isn't very good at it, because she is).  But this film even goes so far to blatantly make the comparison of hot co-ed = evil robot.  Literally.

The worst transgression, however, and the one that you are likely to hear the most about is the unbelievably racist stereotypes played out by the Twins, two Autobots that are portrayed as black youth and voiced in tacky hip-hop-esque dialogue.  There sole purpose in the film is to beat each other up and call each other derogatory names for female genitalia.  Also each of them are given a gold tooth and a joke is made at their expense pointing out the fact that they are illiterate.  It is embarrassing and honestly made the movie a painful experience.  There was literally no reason for these characters to exist other then the supposed "comic relief" that they were meant to provide.

And to top it off, Michael Bay actually includes an homage... TO HIMSELF!  Unbelievable.

This movie is not worth your time and definitely not deserving of your money.  Please do yourself a favor and miss it.

Until Next Time, the last line of this review probably encapsulates exactly what I would think of the third installment.  STOP DESTROYING MY CHILDHOOD, MICHAEL BAY! (And learn some respect for women while you're at it)

Stuff on Sequels

Why does Hollywood insist on sticking us with sequels?

Do we really need a fifth Final Destination or a fifth Fast and the Furious?

This year we are getting both.

Do we really need a fourth Pirates of the Caribbean or a fourth Scream (which, incidentally opens next week)?

This year we are getting both.

Do we really need a third Paranormal Activity or a third Transformers (our childhood still being destroyed by the direction of Michael Bay)?

This year we are getting both.

Do we really need a second Kung Fu Panda or a second Hangover?

This year we are getting both.


You have to admit.  The lack of originality is getting a little out of hand.

Look, sometimes a movie needs a sequel, the story demands it.

One of my favorite movies of all time is a sequel.

One of the best films ever made is a sequel.

But just because a movie does well, doesn't mean it has to have a sequel.

Sequels that are better than the original are extremely rare.

Sequels that do better than the original in the box office are extremely rare.

I want movies to be made when there is a story to tell.  When the characters and the plot are interesting and intriguing, when the action is natural and not repetitive, when there is real growth for the characters involved, that is when I want a movie to be made, not just because the audience knows and likes the characters and so we rush them out there again without any real reason to do so.

I know that studios don't often like to take chances on new (and unproven) stories, and would rather roll with characters that have already done well at the box office once (or twice, or three, four, or five times).

But look at it this way.  Without some original stories, we'll run out of films that can have their part two!

I would just like a year where it doesn't feel like the sequels outnumber the original films.  I know that isn't the case, but it certainly is in the case of which films get the most marketing behind them.  If Hollywood had their way, we would only know about the sequels.

Until Next Time, don't even get me started on remakes.

Really?  Why?

Bad Movie Reviews: Spring Break Shark Week

It is Spring Break this week.  And there is only one way to make Spring Break better....

Spring Break Shark Week.

But not the good type of shark week, like one would see on Discovery, but bad movies featuring megalodons.  Prehistoric Sharks.

We first watched Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.

Yes, that is a picture of a shark taking a bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge, and it can tell you pretty much what the movie is like.

For the most part the acting is terrible and the story has a few holes in it.

The real problem with the movie was the ridiculous editing techniques.  Everything on the entire screen would randomly go white, without really even cutting away.  I'm not sure what was going on there.

Overall, it could have been worse, and there is a scene where Mega Shark eats an airplane out of the air, so at least there is that.

The third movie we watched was the sequel to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.

It was worse in every way.  Even though it starred Jaleel "Urkel" White and Robert Picardo (the Doctor on Star Trek Voyager), it was literally unwatchable.

Could it have had to do with the fact that it was the third straight movie about megalodons that we watched?

I don't know.  We were pretty pumped for more megalogons, I feel like the movie was just flat terrible.

The plot made little to no sense, or at least didn't in the first fifteen or so minutes, because at that point we all pretty much stopped paying attention and Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus became just background noise.

And the only thing worse than a film that already makes no sense is a movie that makes no sense that you are barely paying attention to.

There wasn't even a fun shark attacking a plane scene to add anything to the terribleness.

The middle movie we watched was actually pretty good.

I know, the poster looks terrible, but it was actually very entertaining, and not just in a bad movie type way either.  If this movie had some money put into it, it probably would have been fantastic.

The special effects weren't great, and there is a pretty terrible line (but it gets the girl, so you can't knock it too much), but the story is actually pretty good.

There is some terrible acting, (like really, really terrible) but there is also some great acting.

Two of the main characters are Ryan Cutrona, who was grandpa Gene on Mad Men

and Captain Jack Harkness (aka John Barrowman).

From Doctor Who and Torchwood.

There is also a fantastic shot down a waterslide, far better than any shot that you would expect out of a movie called Shark Attack 3.

Until Next Time, beware of prehistoric sharks.