Monday, February 25, 2008

3rd Annual My Thoughts As I Had Them During the Oscars

Welcome to what has become a staple and fan favorite here the Third Annual "My Thoughts As I Had Them During The Oscars" Post coinciding not so coincidentally with the 80th Annual Academy Awards.  Here we go...

-Welcome back Jon Stewart, host of the First Annual "My Thoughts As I Had Them During The Oscars" Post.  Here's hoping he doesn't steal as many of my jokes this time around.

-The first mention of the writers strike of the evening.  I wonder how many there will be?  I would advise against using this in any drinking game capacity as it is likely to lead to alcohol poisoning.

-Great joke about the themes in the movies nominated for Best Picture, "Thank God for teen pregnancy to lighten the mood."  Nice.

-He mentioned Javier Bardem, he'll win.  He mentioned Daniel Day-Lewis, he'll win.  He mentioned Cate Blanchett, she'll win.  Oh, sorry Jon, if you had read my prediction post you would have known not to put your money on Julie Christie.  She's not going to win.

-Making fun of Norbit is fun as well as important (since it got a nomination and the amazing Zodiac did not).  Jon says, "too often the Academy ignores movies that aren't good."  Hilarious.

-I figured there'd be some political talk this evening.  Jon's getting some good punches in against John McCain here.  "I don't care if it takes 100 years," he says, "we will keep Iraq movies in the theaters."  That's funny.  Great opening he's got going here.  Thank goodness the writers are back.

-He gave Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama some name recognition, but despite making fun of McCain he didn't mention his name at all.  I wonder which party Jon Stewart supports?  How true his point about black presidents and women presidents, they're usually in disaster movies.  "How else will we know it's the future?"

-Okay, here we go, let's get started.

-Sidney Bristow to give the first award.  Move your hair out of your face Sidney.  Where's Jack Bristow when you need him?

-Costume Design goes to Elizabeth, and while the costumes are elaborate, the speech is short, sweet, and to the point.

-The problem with watching the Oscars live is that when I try to fast forward through the commercials, the DVR button puts up an annoying little box reminding me I'm live and can't skip ahead.  How unfair.

-George Clooney's opening line: "Hi, you guys."  You heard it here first, Clooney's new movie, Goonies 2.

-If only the damn Titanic song wasn't playing, this would be an awesome introspective.

-I was just wondering why Jon wasn't watching the movie in widescreen.  I wonder if Apple paid for that joke.

-Time for a prayer.  Dear God, please let the filmmakers of the world understand that we don't want any more movies about penguins.  Amen.

-I still don't see how The Simpsons Movie wasn't nominated for best animated film (and it is tragic that Spiderpig didn't receive a best song nomination.  Utterly tragic.)

-I wonder if they're going to have her up throughout the night in 27 different dresses.  You know, cause she's in that movie, 27 Dresses.  Never mind.

-I'm still upset that Norbit gets a nomination and Zodiac, Josh's Choice for Number One Film of 2007 gets completely left out.  Do you people realize how horrid and wrong that is?  Horrid and wrong, people, horrid and wrong.

-I can't help it, I really like Amy Adams.

-"The Oscar goes to... Catherine."  A little clip of Sean Connery giving the award to Catherine Zeta Jones a few years back for Traffic.  I love how he paused there.  I know he's retired and all, but I wonder if he could give Daniel Craig a few lessons on pausing so that Daniel doesn't say bondjamesbond like it is one word next time.

-Yeah, Jon, it is the 80th Annual Academy Awards, but it's also the Third Annual "My Thoughts As I Had Them During The Oscars" Post, let's not forget that.

-Can you smell what award the Rock is presenting?  Just wondering.

-Golden Compass just won for Special Effects.  That's a bit of a surprise.  I mean, sure, Michael Bay isn't a very good director, but the effects were actually pretty amazing.  Not to take anything away from Golden Compass, but come on.

-Only Jon Stewart can get away with calling Cate Blanchett a dog and have it come off like a compliment.

-Tom Wilkinson was amazing in Michael Clayton, but he was the only one.  Man that movie sucked.

-You're welcome, Javier.  I'd like to thank my middle school and high school Spanish teachers since I actually understood that.

-Dangerously close to stealing my joke there, Jon.  Be careful.  Remember we talked about this.

-Sadly, the Binocular tribute and the Bad Dream tribute were actually better then the sound effect choir and the weird dancers turning into penguins from last year.

-See Sidney, J.J. Abrams' first leading lady, Felicity, knows how to keep her hair out of her face.

-I'm really glad that they broke up the songs this year.  Do you think that they decided to do that after reading my suggestion about it in my prediction post?  I wondered who all those California footprints belonged to.

-Bee Movie was another Animated movie far better then the ones actually nominated for best animated feature.

-WHAT?!?!  Are you kidding me?  Tilda SwintonSwinton played George Clooney's role, and George Clooney played Tilda Swinton's role, this might have been an interesting film.  As it was it sucked, and there is no way that she should have won an Oscar or even been nominated.

-I like how they show everyone writing so prim and proper, then they show the Coen Brothers lounging on couches.  That's actually how a lot of my writing gets done too.

-And so it begins for No Country, the first Oscars of many, I believe.

-That was actually a cool little bit there by the President of the Academy.  I was expecting another "Movies are Great.  Go out and see more Movies" speech.

-Super Delegate jokes are both funny and timely.

-I know that Jon said that was Miley Cyrus, but has anyone ever noticed she looks a lot like the singer Hannah Montana?  Sure, they're hair colors are different, but a wig could fix that.  I'm suspicious.  And another thing, have you ever noticed that Superman looks a lot like Clark Kent, only without the glasses?  Think about it.  It's an uncanny resemblance.

-Man, the Academy must hate Michael Bay as they dis Transformers again.  Instead, they give it to Bourne, directed by Paul Greengrass, the only director who shakes the camera as much as Michael Bay does.

-I got motion sickness just watching that clip from Bourne.

-I was starting to get better when they showed a clip from Transformers.  Where's my Dramamine?

-Told you that both these awards would go to the same movie.  At least I was right about that.

-Ha.  Told you Julie Christie wouldn't win.  Should have read my prediction post Jon Stewart.  Then you would have only been wrong when mentioning Cate Blanchett at the beginning.  Too late now.

-I just want to say, I could totally take Jon Stewart at Wii Tennis.

-Now the moment that every comment I received on my prediction post has been eagerly anticipating.... THE SONG FROM ONCE!!!!

-I totally want my own wall of guitars.  That's awesome.

-Was that Frank Calliendo or was Jack doing his own impersonation of Jack?

-The Coen Brothers supplied a picture of "Roderick Jaynes"?  That's showing dedication to your pseudonym right there.

-Another surprise.  How can you even tell if the shots match in the editing of Bourne?  And how much Dramamine did the editor go through to edit this picture?  Did I mention that the camera shakes a lot in this movie?

-The first ever IMDb joke in Oscar history.  Probably won't be the last.

-I wish I could have worked with Hitch.  I'll just have to settle for stealing from him in everything I do.

-Side note during a commercial here, but am I the only one freaked out by the "When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?" line?  No!  And I'm thankful every day that it doesn't.  I have enough issues as it it, thank you very much.

-I have to say, that shot right there makes me want to see Mongol.

-Does anyone else feel like they've seen the whole movie of Enchanted now just from the three nominated songs?

-Luckily, I got this one right, since it's apparently the only category my readers read.  Original song goes to Falling Slowly.  They'll all think I was perfect since it's the only prediction they payed attention to.

-Case in point, my friend Anne just texted me excited about my being right.  What can I say, I'm a genius.

-I'm glad that they let her come back out to give her speech.  It was a good one.  Classy moment.

-Wow, another surprise.  There have actually been a lot of them tonight.  I wonder if Deakins hurt himself by being nominated for two different films, splitting the vote.  I'm actually really saddened by the fact that he lost.  He's by far my favorite cinematographer in the business, and I was really looking forward to him winning.

-This is always my favorite part, the Farewell Montage.

-We'll miss you Miss Moneypenny. (Said in Sean Connery accent)

-I'm dedicating the Third Annual "My Thoughts As I Had Them During The Oscars" Post to Heath Ledger.  Sorry about making fun of you in the First Annual "My Thoughts As I Had Them During The Oscars" Post.  We're going to miss you greatly.  I'm especially sad that we'll never get to see you as a director.  Terry Gilliam said you would be a better director then he could ever be, and that's about as high a praise one could hope for and it makes me sure that it is a great tragedy we'll never get to see your work.  To Heath Ledger.

-We had a Spielberg theme going there for a second.  Jaws, Spielberg.  Close Encounters, Spielberg.  Rocky, Stallone.  Amy Adams should have gone with E.T. (Spielberg) or Indiana Jones (Spielberg) in order to keep it going.

-Speaking of Indiana Jones (Indiana was the dog's name [also in Sean Connery accent]) here comes Harrison Ford.

-Now she will forever be Diablo Cody, Oscar winner and former stripper.  Because you know they'll never stop referring to her as a former stripper.

-That's my new favorite speech of the night.  I'm a huge Diablo Cody fan.  From blogger to Oscar winning Screenwriter.  I can dig it.

-Did Helen Mirren even read the envelope or did she just announce Daniel Day-Lewis.  It's like when you have to ask a super easy question in Trivial Pursuit, and you don't even look at the back of the card to check the answer, because you know the other team got it right.  And it was probably for a wedge.  Anyway, no, I don't think Helen Mirren even read the envelope.

-Daniel Day-Lewis says this is the closest he'll come to being knighted.  It's funny cause she was Queen Elizabeth last year in The Queen.  Get it?

-The Coen Brothers.  Oscar Winning Directors and the minds behind The Big Lebowski.  It's right that those things should go together.  In fact, one might say those phrases really tie the room together, Dude.

-Ethan Coen is hilarious.

-Great.  Now I really want to see Henry Kissinger: Man on the Go.

-Go on back out there Coen Brothers.  More Oscars for your shelves.

-Scott Rudin says that he can't think of two other people he'd rather be on stage with then the Coen Brothers.  What about Halle Berry and Dame Judi Dench from earlier this evening.  Those two guys seemed pretty funny.  (And you thought I wasn't going to mention Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill, I would have done it earlier, but I was laughing too hard to actually be having any thoughts to write down while they were up there.)

-Oh well, 50% ain't bad.  Sure it isn't as good as I've done in the past, but it's a .500 batting average, and that would get you in the Hall of Fame, guaranteed.

Until Next Time

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