Monday, March 6, 2006

First Annual Thoughts As I Had Them During the Oscars

Hello Everybody!

Welcome to the day after the Oscars. Hope you all slept it off okay. As you might be aware, I was unable to watch the big show live due to work, and therefore taped it and began watching it at about 12:30 a.m., so you'll excuse me if I'm a little tired, the Oscars after all are loooong. Anyway, while watching during the early hours last night, I jotted down some of the thoughts I was having in order to give you, my reading audience an idea of some of the thoughts that go through a future Oscar winners head as they watch the Oscars. Here ya go...

-I'm glad I taped the Oscars. It gives me the opportunity to fast forward through commercials. Take that MasterCard!

-Jon Stewart is handling this very well, doing a good job. I always like the Oscars because they often teach us something we didn't know before, for instance, I didn't know that Jon Stewart was in Death to Smoochey. Learn something new everyday. Course I shouldn't be surprised that he is informative. This is the hard-hitting, informative journalism that Jon Stewart is known for, after all.

-Hey, sweet. I get to fast forward through the song nominees too.

-Is it just me, or were you hoping George Clooney got a little Micheal Moore with his acceptance speech.

-King Kong!?!?!?!?!?! For Special Effects!?!?!?!?!? Ben Stiller's "floating head" was better special effects then that film. Hell, the 1933 version looked better. What the hell are these people smoking?

-Okay, someone producing the Oscars has a sick sense of humor. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves presenting an Oscar. Two of my least favorite actors in Hollywood together on screen to give an art direction award. How does this make sense? Don't say "They were in Speed together" That movie was made like 11 years ago, and neither's careers have really blossomed since then. They should have let these two give out the special effects Oscar. Keanu needs special effects to show emotion, and Sandra needs special effects to differentiate herself from Julia Roberts.

-Hey, that's awesome, Keanu only got one line.

-Did the en absentia Art Director really write that note in third person? "Gretchen would like to thank...." Who does she think she is, an athlete?

-Why was Network in the montage for socially important films? It was a self satire against the media, which probably doesn't belong in a montage talking about how the media (in this case feature films) help to change what's wrong with society. Seems a little out of place there to me.

-The Academy President seems to be giving his State of the Union type deal here. The verdict, "Please go see more movies!!!!!!" Yeah, cause you guys are really suffering. You're making way more off of DVD's now anyway.

-Oh, coming up, Jake Gylenhaal (almost Spiderman), Jessica Alba (Susan Storm the Invisible Girl), and Eric Idle (Incredible Hulk), I hope they do something about Super Heroes.

-Nope, just Jake Gylenhaal pimping out movies for the Academy President. It's just not that easy to be a pimp.

-Hello! King Kong sucked people. Maybe they're still giving out Oscars for Lord of the Rings.

-Okay, I'm going to go ahead and watch the best song performance for the Pimp song. I want to see if they have to beep any of it out.

-Lots of thoughts going through my head as I'm listening to this embarrassingly bad song, but I'll keep them to myself. It's not like its going to win the Oscar.

-Oh My God, it just won the Oscar. Did not see that coming. Clearly it isn't that hard bein' a pimp.

-Hey, Jon. I said it first. Joke stealer.

-She can kick major ass, but walking is sometimes a chore, ladies and gentlemen, Jennifer Garner

-You've got to be kidding me, another award for Kong? Did any of you see that movie? It sucked. Maybe they just saw the trailers and are basing these awards on that. I really think it's Oscar chances should have suffered since ... it .... SUCKED!!!

-So that's how to pronounce Ziyi Zhang. I'm not sure what she's talking about here, but damn, she is hot.

-Perhaps Brokeback is losing some steam. Geisha is picking some up. If it had a Best Picture nomination, I'd start to think it had a chance.

-A great performance in Walk the Line, and a great acceptance speech for Reese Witherspoon. I got teary eyed.

-Wow, for a second there, I thought Phillip Seymore Hoffman was going to say, "I'm honored to be nominated with these strong actors. And Heath Ledger."

-I love Larry McMurtry. And he's wearing Jeans. That's awesome.

-He just thanked me!! I'm a bookseller. Thank you, Larry! Wow, my first thank you in an Oscar speech. Hopefully the first of many.

-Damn it, Jon. Stop stealing my jokes. Write your own.

-Well, the suspense continues. Brokeback and Crash each win the writing nods. Which will it be?

-Ang Lee comes through. I guess I was wrong about the upset. I just really had a feeling that the Best Picture and Best Director would be for different movies. Oh well, we can't be right all the time.

-I was hoping he would say something in his acceptance speech like "This award is for everyone who said Incredible Hulk was gay. You want a gay movie, I'll give you a gay movie."

-Well, really can't say I'm surprised. I just picked the upset in the wrong category, but I knew that Crash and Brokeback would split these two categories. Ahh, it's good to be so smart.

Until Next Time, There you go, my thoughts as I had them during the Academy Awards, or, I guess as I had them while watching them a few hours after they had actually happened, but like NBC always used to say, they were new to me. Hope that you enjoyed the Oscars!

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